Mama La Vida Lanka: First Trimester Reflections

I never expected to feel down when I’m pregnant, especially this is something hubby and I have been waiting for.  It is a welcome gift to be pregnant!  And because of that I did not also expect to be subject to the usual (or even more than normal) pregnancy blues.  The handy guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting actually gives you a fair warning as it outlines “what you may be feeling” month on month.  And for most of the first trimester, it says:

 “Instability comparable to premenstrual syndrome (but probably more pronounced), which may include irritability, mood swings, irrationality, weepiness”

In as much as “instability” is normal, mine was heightened by a bad case of morning (all-day) sickness. I was honestly afraid that the post-partum depression came early for me:

I suddenly understood how it is to be like s*it.  I really felt I was a dark, wet, lump of s*it.

Photo courtesy of zeroatthebone.com

I was miserable because I didn’t know when it would really end.  It’s not like having colds and cough, somehow you know what is the feeling when it’s about to start, when you’re in the thick of things and when you’ll be better soon.  With this, most people say by the second trimester it’ll be over.  While some say for most (if not all) of their pregnancy is ridden with morning sickness.  Let us not even talk about those who did not have to deal with it.  Luckily by my fourth month it was gone. 

“Sleep all day” and “The Lazy Song” were the perfect anthems to my days.  I am normally uncomfortable with lull periods.  So much so that I always bring a book with so I am able to spend my time productively.  But during my first trimester, I swear I could just basically stare at the ceiling all day.

Photo courtesy of luxuo.com

I prefer literal darkness.  Our apartment faces the east so imagine the sunlight that comes in.  I never really had any problem with this until the first three months of my pregnancy.  The curtains (tacky at that) became my friends.  Plus I looked forward to the rain.  I was never like this – I only liked the rain before when it was a Thursday, my coding day hoping the MMDA won’t brave the rain and I could leave the house a little later.   

I was crazily longing for home.  I just wanted to pack up my bags and move back to Manila.  I needed a semblance of familiarity, in food, in surroundings, to be with family and friends.  They say just before you die, your whole life flashes before you.  I say, during my first trimester, my whole life was flashing before me and it made me homesick like hell.

When I was running (which I miss so much right now) I discovered my body could endure the pain, the hardwork, and my thoughts to keep me company.  Just me and the hard concrete for hours on end.  It was amazing.  During my first trimester I was amazed how I can even experience a whole day of vomiting.  When you get pregnant, your body really changes and I felt sensations that were not at all familiar.  

Reflecting on this experience, as shared in Morning Sickness No La Vida Lanka, I’ve learned quite a few things:

• Listen to my body!  Somebody else is living inside of me and I have to be sensitive to how he or she is. 
• There is no use beating myself up for stuff I can’t do. My energy and my capacity are just not at their usual levels.  And I can only work with what I have.
• It is ok not to “perform” – my self-worth is no longer dependent on what I can do or not do.  Because I no longer just live for “me.” 

I guess in the last three months, I’ve experienced a lot of undesirable things.  But what I can say is through it all I’ve expanded my sense of self.  That I am no longer just the “can do” girl who when she sets her eye on the prize gets it with such relentless effort.  But I am also the woman who can discern when it is needed to take a step back and who is still ok amidst being faced with a stark different sense of self. 

Hubby and his vow

But the learning is not only about me.  It is also about the man who takes care of us (baby and I).  You see my first trimester, is one of the most stressful and loaded seasons of my husband’s work.  Add to that a business trip here and there.  But true to his vow, he not only just “cooked omellettes” for me but he pre-cooked a whole week’s meal for me because he would be away and I couldn’t go into the kitchen.  And would continue to cook for me.  And during this time in as much as it was difficult, he is steadfast and does anything as long as it was to make me happy.

So this trimester’s hero is not me.  It is my hubby.  I wouldn’t have survived it without him.  And for that, I am deeply grateful.  And ready to take on the next two trimesters!


Note: After 6 months and a dose of creative inspiration, I've changed the series title from Mommy Diaries to Mama La Vida Lanka :-)